diary #1 - june 18th, 2022 - is this what nihilism feels like????

There are almost 8 billion ordinary, boring people on earth today. You would think they are living different lives. Some have too much money. Some have no money. But all shit, piss, eat, and sleep. Get sick. Work. Talk to others. Roam the internet posting the same thoughts. Every thought you have ever had has been thought by someone else, or will be. Having a baby is cloning yourself, cloning the billions of others who exist and clone themselves. Chasing the same dreams. A plot of land, someone to love. Fulfillment. Tell me: what is the point? I do not see it. I do not understand why I had to come here, or why you are trying to convince me to stay. I want to leave, but everyone says I cannot. Some people kill themselves and we are all very sad about it, or we pretend to be. But we all go in the end, to the same place. The human experience has been recycled billions of times. Nothing new. The Earth spins around the sun and we all sleep, eat, shit, and piss every day. Waiting our turn for the ride to end. Maybe bringing others on the ride. I have never heard of a good reason why we are all here. There are no good reasons to stay.

diary #2 - june 19th, 2022 - mornings

so it's another morning. i slept on the couch again. i've been sleeping there for a week now as some sort of "sleep reset" theory i have going on. my sleep is actually quite good on it, but for some reason i'm worried the couch with sink in on itself with the weight of my body on it 24/7. i literally am on the couch all the time--i work from home on it, and now i sleep on it. the thing wasn't designed for my weight all the time, i don't think. but it's just something i'm doing. right now i live on the top floor of an apartment and as summer approaches, it will get super hot again. that's usually the reason i sleep in the living room during these heatwaves. i want to have some solace away from another hot sticky body sleeping next to mine. anyway, the coffee i'm drinking is terrible. tastes burnt and lingers on the tongue. guess that's what happens when i cheap out and get the $13 tub from walmart's "finest excellence" brand instead of, i don't know, spending $20 on the mcdonald's brand. i usually hate spending more than i have to but this sludge i'm drinking literally makes me recoil with every sip.
oh yeah, today's father's day. i don't know what my father is up to these days. haven't seen him in over a decade, and i don't care to. but we will celebrate my partner's father today instead. they're going golfing but as i'm not interested in that whatsoever, i suppose i will stay here and work on my html. interesting how in only 24 hours i have set up this little skeleton of a site. i abandon things easily but maybe this will be my renaissance summer where i will actually finish what i started!!!

diary #3 - june 20th, 2022 - tummy troubles

i hate IBS! if people don't know what that is, it's when your digestive system is fucked up for unknown reasons. basically you become super sensitive to stress and certain foods cause flares. or maybe that's not the case. no one really knows what causes it, but there's supposedly some gut-brain connection. today's been a bad day for me and i keep shitting :) tiny poops every couple of hours. i had to take pepto-bismol finally cuz i'm sick of the re-belly-ion (!!! pun master). i guess maybe what caused it is the huge amount of chinese food i ate last night since i usually don't eat those kinds of oily things. BUT DAMN IT WAS GOOD! so i don't regret it that much. i have also not had any weed for 10 days. i use that to medicate myself, and originally started to due to my IBS and also my insomnia. i took a tolerance break over the last week because for some reason i started waking up at 6am every day and that's way too early for me, especially if i don't even feel rested. oddly enough (or maybe not) my anxiety seems to have heightened sharply over the last few days. i guess my weed gummies were keeping that feeling at bay too. i am debating whether to eat a gummy tonight and go back to my pleasant gummybrain self but i don't know. isn't it good to be sober??? 10 days sober isn't that long but this IBS flare up and bad feelings isn't making me feel good at all. but i don't know if i ever would have started this foray into the old internet and html if i were still gummybrain, since that state usually made me feel more sleepy than creative. i dunno. gotta keep working on my html and trying my best here. ^ 3 ^ < used to use these faces a lot when i was a kid/teen. still think they're cute. i like cute things, whatever!!!

diary #4 - june 21st, 2022 - homebody

i am fortunately (?) a person who mostly works from home. i usually go into the office once a week as there is a certain machine (i am making this sound cooler than it is by far lol) i use to do my job, but this week i feel like i cannot muster up the energy. i have been having oscillating emotions, and i really don't want my coworkers to peer into my brain and try to figure out what kind of mood i'm in. my manager had actually been great and drives me to work on the one day i go in since he lives nearby, but nice as he is, i don't want to chat with him right now. i have noticed anything i tell him gets repeated to others, so i better learn how to shut up when we're talking to each other unless i want my personal shit spread around everywhere. for some reason i feel like i pour out the truth to anyone who listens, which is pretty naive of me i think. other people lie/keep shit to themselves, but i just spill my guts out and my emotions shine through my face. i did end up taking a gummy last night, but my body fought it off so i woke up at 3:30AM and crawled back to the couch for my RealSleep. ugh. i have 8 gummies left and maybe will just finish them all this week to avoid further temptation. my partner and i have been watching the summer i turned pretty which is such a generic teen show about rich kids without any real problems having an angsty summer falling in love, figuring out who they are, etc. not sure why we are watching but zoning out has its benefits i guess. i feel like time is moving so slowly!!! i am getting a cat in august once we are finished our move and for some reason i have reverted to that childlike state where every day is 50 years etc. before i was in that adult phase where a month passed in a blink! funny how i want that to come back. do other people want to fast forward time like i do? i'm always rushing to get to the end of things. not very it's not the journey, it's the destination of me hahah. TAKE ME TO THE END!!!

diary #5 - june 23rd, 2022 - fading

tonight is a night where i feel very jelly & blob like. like my body is just a bunch of jiggling lumps. i hate feeling "loose" like this, because i go to the gym! so i should have a Gym Body. but i don't. the gym makes me feel like i look good, but maybe that's just the sporty clothes and seeing myself work out that makes me feel like i actually have muscle definition. sitting on the couch after having washed my hair makes me feel really jellylike. i know i am not a man so i don't have the powers of testosterone to build muscle, but it's just unfair that i can work out for 2 years and still feel as if i look sedentary?? idk. i like feeling solid & powerful with my feet firmly planted on the earth. this jellyblob looseness makes me feel gross. and my breasts hanging there as saggy lumps doesn't help l o l. but i am sure many women feel this way. speaking of women, FUCK THE UNITED STATES for overturning roe. v wade today. i understand that men hate women and want them to simply be broodmares dutifully puttering around the kitchen, but it KILLS ME when i see pro-life women cheering all this fucked up shit on. i feel like women need to have more solidarity as a class but we don't. we always end up fighting each other while stupid ugly men look on and laugh at us. it's so upsetting. control of your own body is a human right so why the fuck can women in the USA not have it?? pretty sure men oh so kindly acknowledged that women are, in fact, people decades ago? i literally feel like a misandrist misanthrope most days. everyone and everything seems to be so stupid and selfish. i feel like i have been in a tunnel for a long time but there is no light at the end of it!!! sometimes i feel like i am just biding my time until death, that there's nothing at all i want to do because it's all pointless. i don't like the people i meet in real life because i can never ever feel like we're on the same wave length. i am always online because it's easier to find People Like Me but i also know that living on the internet is stupid, too. i really don't know what i'm expecting from others when i am a disappointment myself, but shit.

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